I think that is the best word to describe how I am feeling. My heart breaks a little. And the tears roll quietly down my cheeks.
Two weeks ago I was at the U.S. Embassy reporting the birth of my son. Would it be possible to make plans to travel, I had asked. I was told yes. We would have his paperwork within a week. 10 days at most but probably sooner.
We excitedly make plans and I dream of 10 days stateside and watching the best older brother in the world promise to love and cherish a woman. I would be there with my wee one. We would spend the days laughing, baby cuddling, eating, and visiting dear dear loved ones. Our tickets were bought and our plans made. We only had to wait.
And wait we did. 7 days, then 10. And phone call after phone call, each came with the same answer. Nothing. We do not have the little one’s paperwork in hand. Today was the last day. Our plane pulls out of Mexico City tomorrow afternoon and we will not be on it.
Just writing it makes my heart break a little more. If God wants me here I don’t want to be there, but it hurts.
My mouth praises the All-Knowing One but my soul lags behind. I remember that “where your treasure is there will your heart be also” and that my heart must be led, not followed. So my lips thank Him for His goodness, because He truly is good. I thank Him for His showered blessings. I don’t go far for just today He has given abundantly:
~ a 3-month-old wonder. He has discovered his voice, yelling dramatically and then giggling with glee.
~ double yoked eggs….a full carton of them. A pleasant breakfast find.
~A surprise visit from the dearest of women and a shared pot of coffee.
~peace that passes all understanding.
~ a sink of dirty dishes washed and drying.
~discovering radish in the garden that we thought had been consumed in the chicken invasion.
~ a husband who tells me its okay to cry and brings the smile back to my face.
~remembering that here is not home and we have eternity to spend together
~ fried potatoes and scrambled eggs.
~a closed door. Love shown through His “no”.
~ Job sleeping in latter than normal
~Bananas for frying and drenching in sweet condensed milk and cream. A treat for after the youngest member of the family is bathed and tucked in for the night
~a growing relationship with a neighbor.
~ 10 more days here, falling asleep with my love’s fingers intertwined around mine.
~ the stress relief of not having to pack and travel 18+ hours alone with my son.
~rocking my babe.
~a house to clean. it means our days are full and we have a home.
19 God-given gifts from today, listed one-handed as my darling eagerly suckles. So I can only say, “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!”